I thought it would be good to focus on skills and perspectives that I as a parent need to work on personally. These are areas that aren’t discussed a lot in parenting forums. And I have found that I tend to beat myself up over my inadequacies. This made me feel hopeless because I didn’t know what positive traits I could use to replace the toxic ones.
In the Total Transformation program, I found answers to replace my internal accusations. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least, that Dr. Lehman addresses those areas that would seem to cause me to derail. Not to mention lose sleep. But mostly, inhibit my parenting from being as effective as it could.
A Change is in the Air
I picked a few of parental behavior management skills to share that have helped me immediately.
1. Family business. Deal with behavioral issues in a semi-formal business-like manner. Keep your emotions out of it as best you can. This will make it easier to maintain control. Try not to take the behavior personally, it will make you ineffective.
2. Transition Time. This is a good tip! Set up beforehand that there will be a 10-15 minute “transitional time” when you get home from work or your child gets home from school. This means nothing will be talked about during this time. It gives you both a chance to acclimate into the family after being gone. You can relax, catch up on what is going on in the house right then without having to field questions or issues.
3. Responsible love vs unconditional love. There is only one person who was capable of loving unconditionally and it is not me. But we are able to love our children responsibly. Parental love is actually an intellectual love not an emotional love. You will not lose your child’s love if you set up rules. Don’t parent out of this fear. Kids pick up fear a mile away and use it to control you. I have always said that there are 2 things a child wants to know to feel loved and safe -”Who is in charge here and do you love me?”.
4. Replacement and reciprocity. Be prepared to give your child replacement appropriate behaviors. Mention the rewards and mutual benefits of dealing with the situation appropriately. This works much better than yelling “stop”. It does however require some thinking ahead as well as some creative thinking.
The list does go on and so do the areas we as parents can find room for improvement. This is imperative if effective parenting skills were not the norm for you as kids. Don’t fear these changes. The caring, open relationship you will receive from your kiddos will be priceless.
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