I thought I would have frank discussion on what areas of parenting that I need to work on to become an effective parent. This is not a normal route we take in learning how to parent. What are the skills and my views that need changing? If I can’t discuss this, I feel lousy and without hope. Plus I don’t even know where to start in learning how to replace faulty thinking and skills with positive ones.
In the Total Transformation program, I found answers to replace my internal accusations. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least, that Dr. Lehman addresses those areas that would seem to cause me to derail. Not to mention lose sleep. But mostly, inhibit my parenting from being as effective as it could.
A Change is in the Air
I’d like to show you a few effective parenting tips that gave me results right away.
1. Family business. When problems arise with the kids, handle it in a semi-formal business-like way. Better put, try to control your emotions as much as possible. This gives you the control, really wild but true. If you can keep the perspective that taking your child’s behavior personally will not help, you will be more effective.
2. Transition Time. This is one of my favorites. Basically, discuss with your children that there will be a 10-15 minute window when either of you gets home where no questions are asked or problems presented. Everyone gets these few moments to unwind, catch up on the news of the day and reenter the family. Doing this without being barraged will make you a happier, interested parent. And your teen won’t feel attacked.
3. Responsible love vs unconditional love. There is only one person who was capable of loving unconditionally and it is not me. But we are able to love our children responsibly. Parental love is actually an intellectual love not an emotional love. You will not lose your child’s love if you set up rules. Don’t parent out of this fear. Kids pick up fear a mile away and use it to control you. I have always said that there are 2 things a child wants to know to feel loved and safe -”Who is in charge here and do you love me?”.
4. Replacement and reciprocity. Always be ready to have replacement behaviors for your child’s inappropriate ones. Share with them the positive results that can come from using them. You may have to walk them through this. This will replace your yelling “stop!” Prepare these behaviors ahead of time and you won’t be trying to parent on the fly so much.
Please know that this is not the end of the list. We as parents can and need to constantly be improving and changing ourselves. This is vitally important if we were not shown good parenting as children. Don’t be afraid of these changes. The benefits you will reap will come in the form of a honest, loving relationship with these sweeties! And there is no cost too great for that!
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